Through the troubles I experienced in High school I had a small handful of friends that I counted as actual friends. One of which that I felt I was particularly close to.
My mom to this day, still asks about her. ‘What ever happened to…?’
This came up at my wedding and it also came up during my mom and dad’s last visit to Texas.
Another piece of the puzzle regarding my horrible battle with anxiety comes from my freshman year of college and involves this particular friend.
I have to say that the year started out interesting enough. Away from the advice to kill myself, I struggled at first but actually began to bloom. I was an honors student, I had some friends and for the first time I didn’t feel as though I was alone in the world.
I grew into myself and even though bad things did happen in college, I was taking it all in stride.
It was amazing to have a life away from locker notes. And in the evenings, on days when things weren’t so crazy, I would be in my dorm room, watching T.V. and chatting online with friends.
Something to keep in mind is that while I was less anxious and living more instead of just existing, despite this I was very fragile. My sense of self was just beginning to grow and I wasn’t afraid of having friends.
It was during the first world series game with the Yankees playing, Jeeter was up to bat when everything came crashing down.
My friend, a Yankees fan, delivered a sucker punch that I never saw coming.
‘Everything that has ever gone wrong in my life went wrong because of you.’
Everything changed again.
I was shattered. Here’s someone that I trusted, one of the few friends I had survived high school with and it was all a lie.
That conversation ripped me in two.
One of the constants in my life was gone.The most horrible part for me was that not only did I second guess myself, for a long time I irrationally believed that she was right.
Thrown back into a time and place where I believed I didn’t deserve anything good or an ounce of happiness. Worse, I started deep sixing relationships when people got to close.
I couldn’t recognize healthy relationships. I didn’t understand then, but now I know that even though some of those relationships were healthy and flourishing, I 100% would find myself uncomfortable and anxious until I would completely shut down.
Looking back, part of me wonders if I should have asked what happened since something must have occurred to trigger the conversation we had. These days, I no longer longer look back and wonder what was actually happening, but what I can say is that the situation in addition to the locker notes that I had kept to myself until now all primed me for what happened next, and then kept happening again and again and again.